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  1<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?>
  2<feed xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2005/Atom">
  3    <title>Jay Pinkerton.com</title>
  4    <link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://jaypinkerton.cracked.com/" />
  5    <link rel="self" type="application/atom+xml" href="http://jaypinkerton.cracked.com/atom.xml" />
  6   <id>tag:jaypinkerton.cracked.com,2007://15</id>
  7    <link rel="service.post" type="application/atom+xml" href="http://blogs.cracked.com/cgi-bin/mt-atom.cgi/weblog/blog_id=15" title="Jay Pinkerton.com" />
  8    <updated>2007-04-19T18:07:04Z</updated>
  9    <subtitle>Comedy, essays, cartoons and more from professional comedian and satirist Jay Pinkerton.</subtitle>
 10    <generator uri="http://www.sixapart.com/movabletype/">Movable Type 3.2</generator>
 11 
 12<entry>
 13    <title>Hello Again</title>
 14    <link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://jaypinkerton.cracked.com/2007/04/hello_again.php" />
 15    <link rel="service.edit" type="application/atom+xml" href="http://blogs.cracked.com/cgi-bin/mt-atom.cgi/weblog/blog_id=15/entry_id=6357" title="Hello Again" />
 16    <id>tag:jaypinkerton.cracked.com,2007://15.6357</id>
 17    
 18    <published>2007-04-19T17:50:39Z</published>
 19    <updated>2007-04-19T18:07:04Z</updated>
 20    
 21    <summary></summary>
 22    <author>
 23        <name>Jay Pinkerton</name>
 24        
 25    </author>
 26            <category term="2007" />
 27    
 28    <content type="html" xml:lang="en" xml:base="http://jaypinkerton.cracked.com/">
 29        <![CDATA[<p>Our former IT guy dropped by the office this morning to say hi. He'd left earlier in the year for a better-paying job, but had the day off and was in the area, so thought he'd stop in.</p>
 30
 31<p>So I'm sitting at my desk watching him walk in and receive excited greetings from everyone, and I'm totally confused, because I remember incredibly clearly that he'd <i>already dropped by this week:</i> he'd even stopped by my desk. We'd shaken hands, I'd asked him all about his new job. We'd had an elaborate, detailed conversation for upwards of fifteen minutes.</p>
 32
 33<p>Or wait... <i>had</i> we? Doubt set in. Had I just dreamed it? </p>
 34
 35<p>It was possible. The memory of it seemed incredibly lucid. On the other hand, I routinely have stultifyingly boring dreams about going to work: commuting in on the subway, returning email, laying out articles for the web, goofing off online. Often I'll have gotten almost a full day's work done and will just be returning a few final phone calls before calling it a day, when I'll wake up suddenly and realize with mounting depression that I now have to go to work and do it all over again.</p>
 36
 37<p>Not wanting to come off rude, I walked over to our former IT guy to feel out the situation. If we'd already talked this week, my greeting should obviously be more subdued; after all, we'd  caught up with each other two days ago. I'd look like a callous ass if I came off like I'd completely forgotten about our conversation. </p>
 38
 39<p>On the other hand, If I'd dreamed it, that would mean we <i>hadn't</i> actually talked in over four months. Casually waltzing over with a cursory head nod and a "What's up?" would come off pretty rude. The situation would require tact and delicacy if I wanted to come off non-crazy here. I thought for a minute about what my best opening volley should be.</p>
 40
 41<p>"Hey! So, did you already stop by this week or did I just dream that?" I ended up going with, because to hell with tact and delicacy. It's not like I'm not <i>intimately</i> familiar with looking like an idiot in social situations. As regular readers of this site might remember, you're reading the website of a guy who's been caught masturbating by construction workers. Once you walk away from shame like that, admitting you can't separate dreams from reality to work friends is a cake walk.</p>
 42
 43<p>Our former IT guy's confused, slightly frightened look told me everything I needed to know: I <i>had</i> in fact dreamed his previous visit, and, yes, now sounded like a dangerous, unbalanced psychotic. Hoping to rally the situation, I immediately ramped up the enthusiasm level and greeted him, now confident we hadn't seen each other in months. "Heyyyyyy!" So how <i>is</i> everything?" Then I sat back and listened—feeling more than slightly pissed off, however unreasonably, about getting locked into the same goddamn conversation twice.  I didn't want to be rude. It was simply that from my perspective, however caked with lunacy it might be, this entire reunion was pretty redundant. In my head I kept thinking, "Damn it, we just <i>did</i> this! I want to get some lunch." </p>
 44
 45<p>And so, after ten minutes of catch-up, I did just that. (Luckily I didn't wake up at this point. I have a bad memory and lucid dreams, it's not like I'm living in a <i>Twilight Zone</i> episode or anything.)</p>]]>
 46        
 47    </content>
 48</entry>
 49<entry>
 50    <title>Action Hero Showdown</title>
 51    <link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://jaypinkerton.cracked.com/2007/04/action_hero_showdown.php" />
 52    <link rel="service.edit" type="application/atom+xml" href="http://blogs.cracked.com/cgi-bin/mt-atom.cgi/weblog/blog_id=15/entry_id=6350" title="Action Hero Showdown" />
 53    <id>tag:jaypinkerton.cracked.com,2007://15.6350</id>
 54    
 55    <published>2007-04-13T15:46:20Z</published>
 56    <updated>2007-04-13T16:02:06Z</updated>
 57    
 58    <summary></summary>
 59    <author>
 60        <name>Jay Pinkerton</name>
 61        
 62    </author>
 63            <category term="Cracked" />
 64    
 65    <content type="html" xml:lang="en" xml:base="http://jaypinkerton.cracked.com/">
 66        <![CDATA[<div align="center"><a href="http://www.cracked.com/index.php?name=News&sid=1838"><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/rambopainting.jpg" width="450" height="297" border="0"></a></div>
 67
 68<p>It is widely recognized in academic and scientific circles that I have gifts. Powerful gifts involving prose, and its crafting. With this burden in mind, I decided it was damn well time I gave back something to the community: hence an article exhaustively analyzing which '80s action movie hero is the hardest badass. </p>
 69
 70<p>I must point out: this article was written at <em>no great personal risk to me</em>, and was written in my capacity as <em>an authority on absolutely nothing</em>. By this I mean to say that this article should be read as its author intended: as unvarnished, objective <strong>fact</strong>. If you disagree with the article in any way whatsoever, it is important that you understand this is <em>your</em> moral or intellectual failing, and that with proper counselling you can be brought back from the abyss of improper views on Rambo, and rejoin society as a fully functioning person with correct views.</p>
 71
 72<center><a href="http://www.cracked.com/index.php?name=News&sid=1838" target="_blank"><strong>Click Here to Read<BR>
 73"Action Hero Showdown"</strong>(at Cracked.com)</a></center>]]>
 74        
 75    </content>
 76</entry>
 77<entry>
 78    <title>It Came From My C Drive 2</title>
 79    <link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://jaypinkerton.cracked.com/2007/04/it_came_from_my_c_drive_2.php" />
 80    <link rel="service.edit" type="application/atom+xml" href="http://blogs.cracked.com/cgi-bin/mt-atom.cgi/weblog/blog_id=15/entry_id=6316" title="It Came From My C Drive 2" />
 81    <id>tag:jaypinkerton.cracked.com,2007://15.6316</id>
 82    
 83    <published>2007-04-01T18:42:17Z</published>
 84    <updated>2007-04-01T19:01:18Z</updated>
 85    
 86    <summary></summary>
 87    <author>
 88        <name>Jay Pinkerton</name>
 89        
 90    </author>
 91            <category term="Misc" />
 92    
 93    <content type="html" xml:lang="en" xml:base="http://jaypinkerton.cracked.com/">
 94        <![CDATA[<p>Once again (read the first one <a href="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/2006/01/it_came_from_my_c_drive.php">here</a>), the results of a leisurely stroll through my C Drive over coffee this morning. </p>
 95
 96<h6>Old Sci Fi Novels</h6><br />
 97
 98<center>
 99  <img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/cuntcrazy.jpg">
100</center><br />
101<center>
102  <img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/sexpredator.jpg">
103</center><br />]]>
104        <![CDATA[<center>
105  <img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/talesmildsuspense.jpg">
106</center><br />
107<center>
108  <img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/nobodybelieved.jpg">
109</center><br />
110<center>
111  <img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/marsisstupid.jpg">
112</center><br />
113<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/andaliens.jpg"></center><br />
114
115<h6>Date Quest</h6><br />
116<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/datequestsmall.jpg"></center><br />
117
118<h6>Hollywood Pitch Meeting</h6><br />
119<p>Too wide to fit here, so I had to give it its own page. Also, watch your back, sports fan: it's <a href="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/pitchmeeting.php">not work safe.</a></p><br />
120
121<h6>Microsoft Holocaust</h6><br />
122<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/paperclip.jpg"></center><br />
123
124<h6>Oscar Contenders</h6><br />
125<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/vaginalies.jpg"></center><br />
126<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/rapedwomen.jpg"></center><br />
127
128<h6>Probably Not Oscar Contenders</h6><br />
129<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/kattanvertigo.jpg"></center><br />
130<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/vandammegrad.jpg"></center><br />
131<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/toomanykids.jpg"></center><br />
132
133<h6>New Board Games</h6><br />
134<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/dontgetbleached.jpg"></center><br />
135<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/pileashitz.jpg"></center><br />
136
137<h6>Prince's Car</h6><br />
138<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/princesportscar.jpg"></center><br />
139
140<h6>Racially Insensitive Superheroes</h6><br />
141<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/takethatblackpeople.jpg"></center><br />
142<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/wassupthing.jpg"></center><br />
143
144<h6>Apparently I Don't Think Much of Devry</h6><br />
145<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/devry.jpg"></center><br />
146
147<h6>Comics I Read Now That I'm Old</h6><br />
148<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/crediblehulk.gif"></center><br />
149
150<h6>Someday My Solos Will Be Like This. (Right Now They're Like Frozen Margarine.)</h6><br />
151<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/hendrixsteamy.jpg"></center><br />
152
153<h6>Gelcorp Sales Campaign</h6><br />
154<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/gelcorp01.jpg"></center><br />
155<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/gelcorp02.jpg"></center><br />
156<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/gelcorp03.jpg"></center><br />
157<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/gelcorp04.jpg"></center><br />
158
159<h6>Getting To The Point</h6><br />
160<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/usualsuspectsend.jpg"></center><br />
161
162<h6>My Girlfriend's Performance Review</h6><br />
163<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/wagonperformance.gif"></center><br />
164<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/wagonperformance4.gif"></center><br />
165<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/wagonperformance5.gif"></center><br />
166<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/wagonperformance6.gif"></center><br />
167
168<h6>History of the Internet</h6><br />
169<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/history1.jpg"></center><br />
170<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/history2.jpg"></center><br />
171<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/history3.jpg"></center><br />
172<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/history4.jpg"></center><br />
173<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/history5.jpg"></center><br />
174<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/history6.jpg"></center><br />
175<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/history7.jpg"></center><br />
176
177<h6>Invisible Poop</h6><br />
178<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/invisiblepoop.jpg"></center><br />
179
180<h6>No Idea How This One Came About</h6><br />
181<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/wheelies.jpg"></center><br />
182
183<h6>Rick James: Biography</h6><br />
184<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/james1.jpg"></center><br />
185<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/james2.jpg"></center><br />
186<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/james3.jpg"></center><br />
187
188<h6>Me</h6><br />
189<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/jaypic1.jpg"></center><br />
190
191<h6>War is Hell</h6><br />
192<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/maeling.gif"></center><br />
193
194<h6>Captain America's Head Keeps Getting Smaller!</h6><br />
195<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/newav02.jpg"></center><br />
196
197<h6>There Might Be a Thinly Veiled Commentary in These...</h6><br />
198<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/overhyped-letdown.jpg"></center><br />
199<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/sexpistols.jpg"></center><br />
200<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/zephouses.jpg"></center><br />
201
202<h6>My Hidden Secret...</h6><br />
203<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/quizwentworth.jpg"></center><br />
204
205<h6>That's All For Now, Folks! Let's Get Drunk!</h6><br />
206<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/pinkercran.jpg"></center><br />]]>
207    </content>
208</entry>
209<entry>
210    <title>Stupid Detective Mysteries</title>
211    <link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://jaypinkerton.cracked.com/2007/03/stupid_detective_mysteries.php" />
212    <link rel="service.edit" type="application/atom+xml" href="http://blogs.cracked.com/cgi-bin/mt-atom.cgi/weblog/blog_id=15/entry_id=6291" title="Stupid Detective Mysteries" />
213    <id>tag:jaypinkerton.cracked.com,2007://15.6291</id>
214    
215    <published>2007-03-20T17:21:44Z</published>
216    <updated>2007-03-20T17:26:14Z</updated>
217    
218    <summary></summary>
219    <author>
220        <name>Jay Pinkerton</name>
221        
222    </author>
223            <category term="Original Comics" />
224    
225    <content type="html" xml:lang="en" xml:base="http://jaypinkerton.cracked.com/">
226        <![CDATA[<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/obviousdick01.jpg"></center>]]>
227        <![CDATA[<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/obviousdick02.jpg"></center><br />
228<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/obviousdick03.jpg"></center><br />
229<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/obviousdick04.jpg"></center>]]>
230    </content>
231</entry>
232<entry>
233    <title>Put My Blarney Stones In Your Mouth</title>
234    <link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://jaypinkerton.cracked.com/2007/03/put_my_blarney_stones_in_your.php" />
235    <link rel="service.edit" type="application/atom+xml" href="http://blogs.cracked.com/cgi-bin/mt-atom.cgi/weblog/blog_id=15/entry_id=6284" title="Put My Blarney Stones In Your Mouth" />
236    <id>tag:jaypinkerton.cracked.com,2007://15.6284</id>
237    
238    <published>2007-03-17T16:17:19Z</published>
239    <updated>2007-03-17T16:36:53Z</updated>
240    
241    <summary></summary>
242    <author>
243        <name>Jay Pinkerton</name>
244        
245    </author>
246            <category term="2007" />
247    
248    <content type="html" xml:lang="en" xml:base="http://jaypinkerton.cracked.com/">
249        <![CDATA[<p>Happy St. Patricks Day! How are you? I'm ridiculously hungover, It's fucking cold out, and I'm going back to bed. </p>
250
251<p>But first: a scathing holiday-themed piece of mine is up at Cracked called <a href="http://www.cracked.com/index.php?name=News&sid=1729">St. Patrick's Day Exposed</a> (it's a shit title, I know), as well as another holiday-themed piece of mine from last year that one of the Cracked editors exhumed and reposted. It's mostly just an excuse to tell a <a href="http://www.cracked.com/index.php?name=News&sid=1730">lot of filthy jokes about pooping and sexual assault</a>. (Guess which article's getting linked around more?)</p>
252
253<p>Anyway, thats all I got. By the sound of it, two feral cats are clawing themselves to death in the alley outside my apartment. I might referee that for a while if they let me. Otherwise, some aspirin and a warm bed beckon.</p>]]>
254        
255    </content>
256</entry>
257<entry>
258    <title>Getting Angry About Things I&apos;m Unqualified To Discuss</title>
259    <link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://jaypinkerton.cracked.com/2007/03/getting_angry_about_things_you.php" />
260    <link rel="service.edit" type="application/atom+xml" href="http://blogs.cracked.com/cgi-bin/mt-atom.cgi/weblog/blog_id=15/entry_id=6283" title="Getting Angry About Things I'm Unqualified To Discuss" />
261    <id>tag:jaypinkerton.cracked.com,2007://15.6283</id>
262    
263    <published>2007-03-15T15:47:38Z</published>
264    <updated>2007-03-15T16:00:10Z</updated>
265    
266    <summary></summary>
267    <author>
268        <name>Jay Pinkerton</name>
269        
270    </author>
271            <category term="2007" />
272    
273    <content type="html" xml:lang="en" xml:base="http://jaypinkerton.cracked.com/">
274        <![CDATA[<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/wahlberg.jpg"></center>
275
276<p>Like most superhero team-ups, when Peter Lynn and I get together to co-write something, it usually involves us beating up on each other for a while before channeling our powers towards the defeat of a common enemy. In this case, movie trailers. Be sure to check out our snap judgments and harsh condemnations of the world of film based only on a cursory viewing of a blurry YouTube clip in <a href="http://www.cracked.com/index.php?name=News&sid=1724">Trailer Trash: Cruel Reviews of Upcoming Movies</a> over at Cracked.com.</p>
277
278<p>Or, at least, as much as you’re able to check out before the sun sets. Frankly, it’s a touch long. We each took ten trailers to review, assuming they’d be about a paragraph in length apiece, somehow forgetting our respective longwinded prose styles. It now sits towering and blotting out the sun, an imposing <i>War & Peace</i> of catty film review.</p>
279
280<p>If you <i>do</i> manage to get through it and, against all reason, decide it <i>still wasn’t long enough,</i> do yourself a favor and surf over to <a href="http://manvsclown.cracked.com/2007/03/post_30.php">Pete’s blog link to the same article,</a> where—Pete being Pete—he’s helpfully posted all the weaker bits I cut out of the damn article in the first place, this time as an introduction to the article proper: as the old maxim goes, put your club foot forward.</p>]]>
281        
282    </content>
283</entry>
284<entry>
285    <title>In Times Of Crisis, You Can Count On Me (To Be A Big Pussy)</title>
286    <link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://jaypinkerton.cracked.com/2007/03/im_a_big_pussy.php" />
287    <link rel="service.edit" type="application/atom+xml" href="http://blogs.cracked.com/cgi-bin/mt-atom.cgi/weblog/blog_id=15/entry_id=6268" title="In Times Of Crisis, You Can Count On Me (To Be A Big Pussy)" />
288    <id>tag:jaypinkerton.cracked.com,2007://15.6268</id>
289    
290    <published>2007-03-11T19:15:34Z</published>
291    <updated>2007-03-15T15:52:12Z</updated>
292    
293    <summary></summary>
294    <author>
295        <name>Jay Pinkerton</name>
296        
297    </author>
298            <category term="2007" />
299    
300    <content type="html" xml:lang="en" xml:base="http://jaypinkerton.cracked.com/">
301        <![CDATA[<center><img src=http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/subway02.gif></center>
302
303<p>I didn’t know it when I woke up Friday morning, but in less than an hour I would be tested. </p>
304
305<p>Tested as a man. A <i>real</i> man. The kind with chest hair, muscles and an actual chin. The kind of man that women look at and think, “You better believe I’d let him drill me.” It was to be a morning where, in the space of a single split-second moment, my character would be called daringly into question. An “Oh my Christ look, a woman’s screaming from the top floor of a burning building, WHAT TO YOU DO, HOTSHOT?” moment. A “You're walking home from a game of catch at the park when you notice a baby flying off the balcony of Eric Clapton's house, WHAT DO YOU MOTHERFUCKING DO, SPORTS FAN?” moment. (And no, I’m not sure who specifically is yelling at you so angrily in either of these scenarios, or why they can’t get off your back and catch the damn baby themselves. Probably just some asshole.)</p>
306
307<p>This was also to be a morning where, in addition to measuring my instinct for cool-headed bravery in the face of crisis, I would learn that I don’t have any. It turns out I’m sort of a huge pussy, and that if given one of the above scenarios, I’d stare blankly in confusion while women fell, burning and shrieking, from the windows of fire-engulfed condos, or look on with ineffectual concern while Eric Clapton’s baby picked up speed. Yes, surprising nobody but myself, it turns out I’m the sort of can-do hero who, when called to action, will immediately freeze like a tender-eyed fawn in terrified brain-lock. If placed in a highly metaphysical conundrum involving a collapsing bridge, a loved one hanging off of either side and the choice of saving only one, I would in all likelihood cause both to plummet, cursing me, to their deaths, having opted to “hang back a little and mull over my choices” until the time for action had long since sprinted past. </p>
308
309<p>I am, it seems, incapable of reflexive bravery. This is never good news to hear. And it certainly doesn’t make the medicine go down any easier if you’re reaching this epiphany while an old man buries his face, deeply and lovingly, into your crotch. Let me explain that.</p>]]>
310        <![CDATA[<p><b>Figure 1: Subway Car Layout</b><br />
311<center><img src=http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/subway02.gif></center></p>
312
313<p>Here’s how it went down. On the left is me, reading a book and minding my own business. Second from the left, another commuter, also reading and minding his own business. Further down the subway car bench is an old man and a young boy, presumably either his grandson or a child he’s elected to abduct. In either case, I’m not aware of them yet. As I mentioned, I’m reading a book and minding my own business. The layout looks more like this from my perspective:</p>
314
315<p><b>Figure 2: Subway Car Layout (My Perspective)</b><br />
316<center><img src=http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/subway01.gif></center></p>
317
318<p>It’s helpful to keep this image in your mind when I tell you the next part of the story, so you can understand the limited amount of information I had when my character was suddenly tested and I responded by acting like a laughably enormous rose-scented pussy.</p>
319
320<p><b>Supplemental Information:</b> It’s also helpful to note, if you’ve never ridden public transportation in New York City before, that it’s prudent to adopt the Fifty-Yard Ignoring Stare at all times (a <a href="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/2006/05/people_i_have_decided_to_kill.php">topic I’ve touched on before</a>). Why? Because fully 30% of the population of any given subway car is pants-shitting crazy. On this particular subway ride, I’d already ignored no less than three homeless people, one crazy person (probably, let’s face it, also homeless) and one really angry dude who, for reasons lost on the rest of us, wanted to fight the shit out of someone, anyone at all, as soon as possible. </p>
321
322<p>One homeless guy even walked up and down the car for three stops singing old Motown hits at the top of his lungs, explaining that he wouldn’t use the money he expected us to give him to buy drugs, and assuring everyone present, against all current evidence, that God was a loving God. (I never give these assholes money on the simple principle that they’re taking advantage of our helpless captivity to beg for money, which makes them selfish pricks no matter how pathetic they look. As far as I’m concerned, waiting until a hundred people are locked in a moving subway car before you pull out a guitar unprompted, butcher something by Leonard Cohen and beg me for a dollar is tantamount to breaking into my house, barging into the bathroom while I’m crapping and asking to borrow the magazine I’m reading. I don’t care why you want what you want or when you ate last, Three-Finger Pete. Get the fuck out of my bathroom.)</p>
323
324<p>So for perspective’s sake—and by that I mean, “for the sake of somewhat excusing what a big pussy I’m about to act like”—note for the record that I’d been quietly ignoring a continuous stream of homeless people and short men with anger issues for at least twenty minutes when, apropos of absolutely nothing, I suddenly found a man’s head buried face-first in my dick and balls.</p>
325
326<p>The car hadn't jolted to a sudden stop or anything. There was no logical explanation for it, other than a man had suddenly decided, without including me in the decision-making process, that the best place for his face was nestled, like lettuce on sandwich meat, on top of my groin. My first thought was that one of the crazy homeless guys had tripped while making his begging rounds. Actually, that’s a lie—this was my second thought. My <i>first</i> thought was “Aghhhh Jesus Jesus!”, and my first reaction was to leap up reflexively like my dick was on fire.</p>
327
328<p>As it turned out, what had happened was that the older gentleman two seats down had... fuck, I don’t know, done one of those old people things. I have no idea what happened to the guy. My only experience with something like this isn’t even firsthand; apparently my grandmother did something similar two Thanksgivings ago. She was at the dinner table with everybody else, eating turkey and complaining about how dry it was to everybody, when suddenly something went <b>LINE 298 ERROR</b> in her brain, she spoke a few sentences of utter nonsense and just… turned off. The lights were on, but there was nobody home. I couldn’t make it up for Thanksgiving that year, so I only heard about it afterwards: 911 was called, she was completely unresponsive for about a half hour—then, just as suddenly, the back-up generator flickered to life and she was herself again, complaining about the doctor’s presence and wondering where the fuck her pumpkin pie was. It weirded my family right out, and I mention it only to illustrate that sometimes old people get up to some wacky shenanigans, and all medical science can do is keep them away from sharp cutlery. </p>
329
330<p>Anyway, it looked like this:</p>
331
332<p><b>Figure 3: I Don’t Know What the Deal is With Old People, I Seriously Don’t</b><br />
333<center><img src=http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/subway03.gif></center></p>
334
335<p>In case you were getting impatient with the constant anecdotes and asides and started impatiently scrolling down to read the part where I was a huge pussy, this is the part where I was a huge pussy. I leap up from my seat, making a strangled “Gah!” noise and basically freaking out, like I’d woken up to find a huge spider on my face. The old guy, disgorged from my lap and still in freefall, sails downward to the floor of the subway, where his head connects with the base of one of those upright steel poles in the middle of the floor with this extremely nasty, extremely loud, extremely wet <b>K-RRK!</b> noise. Imagine dropping a watermelon down a flight of steps, and it doesn’t split open or anything, but when it hits a step it makes a sound that lets you know it’s probably at least leaking a little now. That was the sound. It was stomach-churningly gross.</p>
336
337<p>I’m standing stock-still, book in one hand, the subway train still moving. About three-quarters of a second has passed, and it dawns on me that I’ve just killed a guy. He’s not moving. Someone shouts “Oh my God!” and then someone else shouts “Oh Jesus God!” while the first person says “Oh my God!” again, but louder. </p>
338
339<p>Then the old guy <i>does</i> start moving, just a little, and groaning. (Hooray! I’m not a murderer!) I immediately start wracking my brain for whatever half-remembered safety tips I might have filed away for situations like this. <i>Wallet under the tongue?</i> I think. <i>No, that’s for epileptic seizures.</i> I remember I’m supposed to not let him go to sleep if he’s suffered a concussion, though this doesn’t seem immediately helpful. </p>
340
341<p>I also suddenly recall a plot point from one of those procedural cop dramas about not moving someone with spinal injuries. They need to lift you up with one of those special paramedic gurneys after your head’s in a brace and you’re all strapped in. Again, not immediately helpful, so I leaf through more mental files. I recall that whenever this happens to someone in the NFL, the medical procedure is to talk very quietly while showing his injury from multiple angles in slow motion. Everyone waits for him to get up on his own and give the crowd a thumbs-up sign, at which point you cheer his bravery and he’s helped off the field. </p>
342
343<p>While I’m thinking all this, in the space of a few seconds, some handsome young guy stands up, walks calmly over to the old man, wrenches him upright, sits the dazed old guy back down in his seat, chucks him on the shoulder, laughs “Hey, we’ve all been there, oldtimer” in a comforting, stage-whispery voice to help the old guy keep his dignity, tousles the grandson’s hair and tells him he's a pretty brave little kid.</p>
344
345<p>That <b>motherfucking jerk.</b> </p>
346
347<p>The handsome young guy smugly walks back to his seat, where he pretends to ignore the quiet admiration of everyone else on the subway car. Elsewhere on the train, five attractive women get down to the business of imagining what the handsome young guy would feel like inside them, drilling them right there in the car. Meanwhile, I’m standing around like a moron, wearing a dumb “woke up with a spider on my face” expression and still internally debating whether I’ll break the old guy’s spine if I move him. (Apparently not.)</p>
348
349<p>Calmly, hoping to save as much face as I can, I put my book down, smooth out my jacket, walk over to the handsome young guy and punch him as many times in the throat as I can before I’m pulled off his quivering, bloody body. (Note: this doesn’t actually happen, I just sit back down.)</p>]]>
350    </content>
351</entry>
352<entry>
353    <title>&quot;...And You Can Take That to the LAKE.&quot;</title>
354    <link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://jaypinkerton.cracked.com/2007/03/and_you_can_take_that_to_the_l.php" />
355    <link rel="service.edit" type="application/atom+xml" href="http://blogs.cracked.com/cgi-bin/mt-atom.cgi/weblog/blog_id=15/entry_id=6250" title="&quot;...And You Can Take &lt;i&gt;That&lt;/i&gt; to the LAKE.&quot;" />
356    <id>tag:jaypinkerton.cracked.com,2007://15.6250</id>
357    
358    <published>2007-03-06T16:56:39Z</published>
359    <updated>2007-03-15T15:52:12Z</updated>
360    
361    <summary></summary>
362    <author>
363        <name>Jay Pinkerton</name>
364        
365    </author>
366            <category term="Cracked" />
367    
368    <content type="html" xml:lang="en" xml:base="http://jaypinkerton.cracked.com/">
369        <![CDATA[<center><img src="http://cracked.com/jp/holmes02.jpg"></center>
370
371<p><a href="http://www.cracked.com/index.php?name=News&sid=1682" target="_blank">Larry Holmes' GrillMaster XL</a> makes its advertorial debut over at Cracked.com. With acknowledgement to JP.com forum regular Scott Feenstra for the idea, since he actually talks like this in casual conversation.</p>]]>
372        
373    </content>
374</entry>
375<entry>
376    <title>Two-Fisted Tales of Fisting</title>
377    <link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://jaypinkerton.cracked.com/2007/01/twofisted_tales_of_fisting.php" />
378    <link rel="service.edit" type="application/atom+xml" href="http://blogs.cracked.com/cgi-bin/mt-atom.cgi/weblog/blog_id=15/entry_id=6160" title="Two-Fisted Tales of Fisting" />
379    <id>tag:jaypinkerton.cracked.com,2007://15.6160</id>
380    
381    <published>2007-01-28T20:30:15Z</published>
382    <updated>2007-03-15T15:52:12Z</updated>
383    
384    <summary></summary>
385    <author>
386        <name>Jay Pinkerton</name>
387        
388    </author>
389            <category term="Original Comics" />
390    
391    <content type="html" xml:lang="en" xml:base="http://jaypinkerton.cracked.com/">
392        <![CDATA[<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/fisting00.jpg"></center>]]>
393        <![CDATA[<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/fisting01.jpg"></center><br />
394<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/fisting02.jpg"></center><br />
395<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/fisting03.jpg"></center><br />
396<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/fisting04.jpg"></center><br />
397<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/fisting05.jpg"></center>]]>
398    </content>
399</entry>
400<entry>
401    <title>Tales Written With the Express Intent of Astonishment</title>
402    <link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://jaypinkerton.cracked.com/2007/01/tales_written_with_the_express.php" />
403    <link rel="service.edit" type="application/atom+xml" href="http://blogs.cracked.com/cgi-bin/mt-atom.cgi/weblog/blog_id=15/entry_id=6154" title="Tales Written With the Express Intent of Astonishment" />
404    <id>tag:jaypinkerton.cracked.com,2007://15.6154</id>
405    
406    <published>2007-01-25T17:07:29Z</published>
407    <updated>2007-03-15T15:52:12Z</updated>
408    
409    <summary></summary>
410    <author>
411        <name>Jay Pinkerton</name>
412        
413    </author>
414            <category term="Original Comics" />
415    
416    <content type="html" xml:lang="en" xml:base="http://jaypinkerton.cracked.com/">
417        <![CDATA[<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/timeapparatus00.jpg"></center>]]>
418        <![CDATA[<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/timeapparatus01.gif"></center><br />
419<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/timeapparatus02.gif"></center><br />
420<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/timeapparatus03.gif"></center><br />]]>
421    </content>
422</entry>
423<entry>
424    <title>Dogs Are Idiots</title>
425    <link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://jaypinkerton.cracked.com/2007/01/dogs_are_idiots.php" />
426    <link rel="service.edit" type="application/atom+xml" href="http://blogs.cracked.com/cgi-bin/mt-atom.cgi/weblog/blog_id=15/entry_id=6141" title="Dogs Are Idiots" />
427    <id>tag:jaypinkerton.cracked.com,2007://15.6141</id>
428    
429    <published>2007-01-17T20:25:37Z</published>
430    <updated>2007-03-15T15:52:13Z</updated>
431    
432    <summary></summary>
433    <author>
434        <name>Jay Pinkerton</name>
435        
436    </author>
437            <category term="Essays" />
438    
439    <content type="html" xml:lang="en" xml:base="http://jaypinkerton.cracked.com/">
440        <![CDATA[<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/retardeddog.jpg"></center>
441
442<p>Whenever I try to leave my apartment, my dog will dart out of the closing door with alarming, Indiana Jonesesque speed. Nine times out of ten I won’t even notice it. I’ll be out in the hallway, fumbling through my pockets in the dark for my keys. (The hallway lights have been out in our building since September—I think our super is either dead or long since escaped to Tijuana with a suitcase full of lightbulbs.) At some point I’ll remember that I keep my keys in my jacket pocket, and have in fact done so for fifteen years. (It’s early, and I’m legally retarded before noon.) I’ll finally get the door locked and turn around, where I’ll find my dog sitting in the middle of the hallway with a pleased, curious look on his face—as if saying “Man, that took you some <I>time</I>, huh? Can we go now?” </p>
443
444<p>My wife, who watched the dog escape when I left, will now be listening from the couch with (evil, small-minded) amusement as I try to re-find my keys in the dark (front jacket pocket again), unlock and open the door, then walk back in, grumbling and calling for the dog—who knows damn well that staying in the hallway equals Walk, and so sits motionless, staring at me like I’m some idiot who likes to stand in doorways shouting “Come!” for no reason.</p>
445
446<p>“He’s so <I>smart</I>,” my wife will say, after my faux-enthusiastic shaking of a rubber dog toy eventually convinces him to pad his furry ass back into the apartment. To my mind, given the battle of wills that’s just taken place, this of course leaves hanging in the air the implied addendum <I>He’s so much smarter than you.</I><br />
447 <br />
448<img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/walnut.gif" align="right">“He’s not smart,” I’ll say. “He’s <I>fast</I>. Cars are fast. That doesn’t mean they understand algebra.” It’s not, in other words, like the dog has calculated his escape with flowcharts for when I open the front door. He has a brain the size of an under-ripe walnut. More likely he was just thinking <b>OH BOY DOOR WALK GO POOP WALK DOOR OH BOY</b>, his legs moving independently of his brain the second he heard the doorknob turn. </p>
449
450<p>He’s a moron, is what I’m trying to say, because all dogs are morons. Sure, my wife and I enjoy swapping stories with other dog owners about how smart and observant our pets are, but all bullshit aside, of course they aren’t. In the context of pet ownership, having a smart dog means he can sit or poop when you tell him to. When you’re gauging the intelligence of a mammal on its ability to understand that it should walk towards you when you flail your arms and make noises, I’m sorry, but that’s a low-set bar. The buck-toothed Hispanic woman from the Subway near me with the horseshoe-shaped divot in her forehead can sit and poop on command, as well as punch up to five distinct sandwich-themed buttons on a cash register, but I don’t think anyone’s making any convincing arguments that she isn’t as fuck-dumb as a pile of sticks. The difference between the buck-toothed woman and a dog is that we’re disappointed when the woman forgets to shit in the right place, but astounded beyond belief when the dog manages to remember. </p>
451
452<p>Compared to other dogs, sure, our dog is pretty sharp. But whatever. Compared to humans—meaning me—my dog is, I’m sorry, an idiot. I can poop in designated areas as well as he can or better. I’m also able to perform any number of simple tasks that, frankly, soar right over his tiny bullet head—and I don’t mean reading <I>The Iliad</I> or programming my VCR to tape <I>24</I> or what have you. I’m talking about basic survival instincts he should possess as a mammal but doesn’t, like how you shouldn’t decide to eat something based exclusively on the criteria that it’s directly in front of you and not on fire. </p>
453
454<p><br><h6>The Entirety of a Dog’s Thought Process</h6></p>
455
456<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/dogthink.gif"></center>]]>
457        <![CDATA[<p>I have no idea what a festering pigeon carcass tastes like, but I can’t imagine “delicious” tops the list. If the only thing stopping my dog from gobbling broken glass or lapping up a puddle of bleach is me reefing like a crazy guy on his leash, I’m curious how dogs have lasted as a species all these millennia when I wasn’t around to yank rat poison, car keys or pinless grenades out of their mouths.</p>
458
459<p>Another example: I stepped on my dog a dozen times yesterday, resulting in a high-pitched “YIP!” sound and a betrayed expression from floor level. It was accidental every time, and I do make an honest effort to feel guilty about it—but at the end of the day, one of us keeps veering into the path of the other before diving headfirst under their descending feet. As the latter person in this scenario, I put forward: seriously, what kind of idiot does this more than once? The first time I put my finger on a hot stove outlet, it resulted in a high-pitched “YIP!” sound and a betrayed expression from me level. The take-away point from this experience wasn’t “Next time I’d better try that with my face.” It was “Pain = Bad.” My dog’s cumulative experience from me stomping on him like a burning oven mitt, on the other hand, seems closer to something like “Pain = Dog Food” or “Pain = I Can See My Reflection in The Mirror, Hooray For Toys”.</p>
460
461<p><br><h6>Me vs. a Dog: Dumb Shit We Did Yesterday</h6></p>
462
463<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/mevsdog.gif"></center>
464
465<p>To summarize, I’m way fucking smarter than a dog. The reason? Unless you do something a thousand times in a row for their benefit, dogs don’t have the capacity for pattern recall. Their inability to remember basic cause-and-effect lessons makes them, as a species, ridiculously easy to outsmart. If I tried distracting my wife with a rubber ball every time she complained that I never listen to her, I realistically couldn’t see it working past the seventh or eighth time. But when the dog annoys me, the rubber ball trick’s worked consistently now for something like three months, with no indication he’ll catch on any time soon. There’s something touching about the naked trust my dog has that when I throw a ball for him to fetch, I’m not suddenly going to leave the apartment and lock the door behind me once he runs after it—and I receive immense satisfaction from abusing this trust on a daily basis without any consequences at all. </p>
466
467<p>Last week I lopped his balls off—not personally, I just took him to a place where someone else did—and the poor little guy trusted me every step of the way to the animal hospital. The only one of us feeling anxious about the future was me, as I’d been quoted a price of $200 over the phone. This struck me as high, since I knew from the research I’d done that most animal shelters would neuter my dog for $75. But the pet store we’d bought him from had given us a deal for a year’s worth of free vet visits (operations not included) if we went to a specific animal hospital for the entire year. Going elsewhere would annul this deal, so $200 now meant free visits for the next six months. </p>
468
469<p>Once I got there with the dog, the receptionist handed me a list of “optional” services I could purchase, including an IV and pain medication for the dog. Under the IV description, the list made a point of explaining that, in the event of a complication during surgery, this option could mean the difference between life and death. Under the description for pain medication, the text stressed that “if YOU were getting neutered, wouldn’t YOU want pain medication?” Never mind that if I was getting neutered, I wouldn’t want pain medication so much as a pistol, six bullets and five surgeons. But come on. Since when are IV stands and medication considered <I>optional</I> for surgery? I’m surprised they didn’t try to rent me the pillow or charge me extra for the scalpels.</p>
470
471<p>Since the list was phrased in such a way that refusing any of the not-really-optional “optional” perks inferred you’d be about to wave your dog off to a painful, drawn-out death, the price tag for the operation was now up to $300. So imagine my dubious look when the pet surgeon introduced herself to me soon after, then asked me if I’d be purchasing a pet ID microchip for an additional $50 that would be implanted in my dog during surgery.</p>
472
473<p>“I’m not sure I understand,” I said, although in fact I did understand: my bill was now $350 and climbing steadily with no end in sight. “If I lose the dog, this will find the dog?” I asked, looking behind the kiosk for radar equipment.</p>
474
475<p>“No, not exactly,” she said.</p>
476
477<p>“Because we live in New York City,” I clarified. “It’s bumper-to-bumper traffic outside of our apartment all day and night. If our dog escapes, he’s dead in five minutes. I’m not sure if it’s worth $50 to help find his corpse.”</p>
478
479<p>Apparently this little piece of logic came off a little coldhearted, if the looks of shock and horror on everyone around me were any indication. I might have imagined it, but I think the surgeon, who was holding my dog, tightened her grip a little.</p>
480
481<p>“No, it’s if your dog goes to an animal shelter,” she explained. In my mind, I imagined someone from the shelter taking dogs out of a box and running them over one of those check-out counter lasers like at the supermarket. It all struck me as ludicrous, but realizing that I’d already come off a bit troll-like, and aware that the unfairness of life dictated that I’d probably need this thing some day <u>only</u> if I decided not to get it now, I agreed to the microchip. After this I kept glancing at the door, waiting for another in a series of dog specialists to come in and coax money out of me for another twelve optional choices that my dog would die during surgery without. But apparently I’d reached the cap-off point, and managed to walk out of the place minus $350 and a pair of dog testicles.</p>
482
483<p>The whole affair was incredibly depressing, in the end. At no point did my dog really understand what was happening, what he’d lost or my involvement in the transaction. As a proud owner of my own pair of testicles, part of me <I>wanted</I> him to be angry at me—to cast me immeasurably betrayed looks for robbing him of his manhood, to look down at his poor shriveled little nutsack, then stare me in the eyes as if to say, “I know what you’ve done, and frankly, sir, you should be ashamed of yourself.” </p>
484
485<p>But nothing like that happened. He jumped around beforehand, thinking we were going for a walk. He had no idea I was leaving him at the vet until I actually left. He was oblivious to what was coming next when they put him under. Afterwards, snoozing on the couch with his swollen crotch, he never connected me to the pain. He was just happy to be home and snoozing on the couch. I’m not sure how I expected it would play out—possibly with him getting drunk and taking a swing at me—so the fact that he doesn't blame me for, or is even remotely aware of, his own castration means I don’t have any option but to shoulder the guilt for it until one of us dies.</p>
486
487<p>Maybe he’s not as stupid as he looks.</p>]]>
488    </content>
489</entry>
490<entry>
491    <title>Shameless Hype #3</title>
492    <link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://jaypinkerton.cracked.com/2006/12/shameless_hype_3.php" />
493    <link rel="service.edit" type="application/atom+xml" href="http://blogs.cracked.com/cgi-bin/mt-atom.cgi/weblog/blog_id=15/entry_id=6072" title="Shameless Hype #3" />
494    <id>tag:jaypinkerton.cracked.com,2006://15.6072</id>
495    
496    <published>2006-12-15T21:30:57Z</published>
497    <updated>2007-03-15T15:52:13Z</updated>
498    
499    <summary></summary>
500    <author>
501        <name>Jay Pinkerton</name>
502        
503    </author>
504            <category term="Cracked" />
505    
506    <content type="html" xml:lang="en" xml:base="http://jaypinkerton.cracked.com/">
507        <![CDATA[<center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/iss3/cover.jpg"></center>
508
509<p>Hot on the heels of Shameless Hype #2 is Shameless Hype #3, detailing my involvement with Cracked #3, which hits newsstands officially next week (though it looks like most of the comic book stores are already stocking it). This officially catches me up on my self-congratulatory navel-gazing until Issue #4 in two months. What will I do in the meantime? Rape things, maybe. I don't know. Maybe I'll knit a pair of socks. </p>
510
511<p>Click below for the Issue #3 rundown. As before, if you're not interested, no hard feelings. Actual updates on their way.</p>]]>
512        <![CDATA[<h6>Stuff I wrote for this issue</h6>
513
514<ul>
515<li><b>Pg. 1:</b> "Stealing Money From Old People" ad</li>
516
517<p><li><b>Pg. 9:</b> "Larry Holmes GrillMaster X-L" fake ad<br />
518Our Art Director is extremely talented and a bit of a perfectionist, so I think I shorted something out in her brain when I submitted the script for this and specifically asked that she make the ad look awful. "Like an ad in Reader's Digest," I suggested. I think it came out looking awful (i.e. great). I love Larry Holmes' slow descent into unintelligible nonsense, and the phrase "You can take that to the LAKE" got tossed around the office quite a bit.  </li></p>
519
520<p><br><center><img src="http://www.jaypinkerton.com/img/iss3/grill.jpg"></center><br></p>
521
522<p><li><b>Pg. 10:</b> Cracked Photo All-Stars comic; about half of the Rachel Ray quotes<br />
523Writing the Stock-Photo All-Stars comics has quickly become one of my favorite parts of the job. My personal favorite doesn't show up until Issue #4, but there ain't nothing wrong with a little melon farming jocularity.</p>
524
525<p>The Rachel Ray one was just something getting passed around the office that I contributed to. Mine are #1, #4, #5, #6 and #7.</li></p>
526
527<p><li><b>Pg. 11:</b> "Resolution Reality Check"<br />
528Not much to say about this one, other than it's based more on my actual life than anything else in the magazine. I always tend to get myself roped into Herculean self-improvement plans this time of year, and I invariably backslide around February. As a side note, I invite you to try "No thanks, I don't need a Scotch. I brought some in a Thermos" sometime. It's a pain in the ass to carry around the Thermos prop all the time, but well worth it on the off-chance someone asks you if you'd like some Scotch.</li></p>
529
530<p><li><b>Pg. 12:</b> "CelebScoop"<br />
531At the time of its writing (two months ago), the idea of an actor promoting racism seemed like a crazy-hilarious idea. Post-Michael Richards, of course, the punchline comes off a bit tame. All the same, I have to admit I'd be at least a little curious to watch a show calling itself the 2006 Racism Awards.</li></p>
532
533<p><li><b>Pg. 13:</b> "Celebrity Intervention: Jon Heder"<br />
534I seem to always get lumped with the Celebrity Interventions (see <a href="http://jaypinkerton.cracked.com/2006/12/post_1.php">Shameless Hype #2</a> for more of my inability to avoid eye contact at meetings), but I actually thought this one turned out pretty well. I enjoy the sandwich metaphor, anyway. The bi…

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