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  2title: A Happy Post
  3description: >
  4    Smile. Laugh.
  5created: !!timestamp '2011-02-01 10:00:00'
  7    - happy
  8    - thoughts
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 19Lady Malvern was a hearty, happy, healthy, overpowering sort of dashed female,
 20not so very tall but making up for it by measuring about six feet from the
 21O.P. to the Prompt Side.
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 25She fitted into my biggest arm-chair as if it had
 26been built round her by someone who knew they were wearing arm-chairs tight
 27about the hips that season. She had bright, bulging eyes and a lot of yellow
 28hair, and when she spoke she showed about fifty-seven front teeth. She was one
 29of those women who kind of numb a fellow's faculties. She made me feel as if I
 30were ten years old and had been brought into the drawing-room in my Sunday
 31clothes to say how-d'you-do. Altogether by no means the sort of thing a
 32chappie would wish to find in his sitting-room before breakfast.
 34Motty, the son, was about twenty-three, tall and thin and meek-looking. He had
 35the same yellow hair as his mother, but he wore it plastered down and parted
 36in the middle. His eyes bulged, too, but they weren't bright. They were a dull
 37grey with pink rims. His chin gave up the struggle about half-way down, and he
 38didn't appear to have any eyelashes. A mild, furtive, sheepish sort of
 39blighter, in short.
 41"Awfully glad to see you," I said. "So you've popped over, eh? Making a long
 42stay in America?"
 44"About a month. Your aunt gave me your address and told me to be sure and call
 45on you."
 47I was glad to hear this, as it showed that Aunt Agatha was beginning to come
 48round a bit. There had been some unpleasantness a year before, when she had
 49sent me over to New York to disentangle my Cousin Gussie from the clutches of
 50a girl on the music-hall stage. When I tell you that by the time I had
 51finished my operations, Gussie had not only married the girl but had gone on
 52the stage himself, and was doing well, you'll understand that Aunt Agatha was
 53upset to no small extent. I simply hadn't dared go back and face her, and it
 54was a relief to find that time had healed the wound and all that sort of thing
 55enough to make her tell her pals to look me up. What I mean is, much as I
 56liked America, I didn't want to have England barred to me for the rest of my
 57natural; and, believe me, England is a jolly sight too small for anyone to
 58live in with Aunt Agatha, if she's really on the warpath. So I braced on
 59hearing these kind words and smiled genially on the assemblage.
 61"Your aunt said that you would do anything that was in your power to be of
 62assistance to us."
 64"Rather? Oh, rather! Absolutely!"
 66"Thank you so much. I want you to put dear Motty up for a little while."
 68I didn't get this for a moment.
 70"Put him up? For my clubs?"
 72"No, no! Darling Motty is essentially a home bird. Aren't you, Motty darling?"
 74Motty, who was sucking the knob of his stick, uncorked himself.
 76"Yes, mother," he said, and corked himself up again.
 78"I should not like him to belong to clubs. I mean put him up here. Have him to
 79live with you while I am away."
 81These frightful words trickled out of her like honey. The woman simply didn't
 82seem to understand the ghastly nature of her proposal. I gave Motty the swift
 83east-to-west. He was sitting with his mouth nuzzling the stick, blinking at
 84the wall. The thought of having this planted on me for an indefinite period
 85appalled me. Absolutely appalled me, don't you know. I was just starting to
 86say that the shot wasn't on the board at any price, and that the first sign
 87Motty gave of trying to nestle into my little home I would yell for the
 88police, when she went on, rolling placidly over me, as it were.
 90There was something about this woman that sapped a chappie's will-power.
 92"I am leaving New York by the midday train, as I have to pay a visit to
 93Sing-Sing prison. I am extremely interested in prison conditions in America.
 94After that I work my way gradually across to the coast, visiting the points of
 95interest on the journey. You see, Mr. Wooster, I am in America principally on
 96business. No doubt you read my book, India and the Indians? My publishers are
 97anxious for me to write a companion volume on the United States. I shall not
 98be able to spend more than a month in the country, as I have to get back for
 99the season, but a month should be ample. I was less than a month in India, and
100my dear friend Sir Roger Cremorne wrote his America from Within after a stay
101of only two weeks. I should love to take dear Motty with me, but the poor boy
102gets so sick when he travels by train. I shall have to pick him up on my
105From where I sat I could see Jeeves in the dining-room, laying the
106breakfast-table. I wished I could have had a minute with him alone. I felt
107certain that he would have been able to think of some way of putting a stop to
108this woman.
110"It will be such a relief to know that Motty is safe with you, Mr. Wooster. I
111know what the temptations of a great city are. Hitherto dear Motty has been
112sheltered from them. He has lived quietly with me in the country. I know that
113you will look after him carefully, Mr. Wooster. He will give very little
114trouble." She talked about the poor blighter as if he wasn't there. Not that
115Motty seemed to mind. He had stopped chewing his walking-stick and was sitting
116there with his mouth open. "He is a vegetarian and a teetotaller and is
117devoted to reading. Give him a nice book and he will be quite contented." She
118got up. "Thank you so much, Mr. Wooster! I don't know what I should have done
119without your help. Come, Motty! We have just time to see a few of the sights
120before my train goes. But I shall have to rely on you for most of my
121information about New York, darling. Be sure to keep your eyes open and take
122notes of your impressions! It will be such a help. Good-bye, Mr. Wooster. I
123will send Motty back early in the afternoon."
125They went out, and I howled for Jeeves.
127"Jeeves! What about it?"
131"What's to be done? You heard it all, didn't you? You were in the dining-room
132most of the time. That pill is coming to stay here."
134"Pill, sir?"
136"The excrescence."
138"I beg your pardon, sir?"
140I looked at Jeeves sharply. This sort of thing wasn't like him. It was as if
141he were deliberately trying to give me the pip. Then I understood. The man was
142really upset about that tie. He was trying to get his own back.
144"Lord Pershore will be staying here from to-night, Jeeves," I said coldly.
146"Very good, sir. Breakfast is ready, sir."
148[My Man Jeeves by PG Wodehouse][MMJ]