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  1---
  2title: A Happy Post
  3description: >
  4    Smile. Laugh.
  5created: !!timestamp '2011-02-01 10:00:00'
  6index: 3
  7---
  8
  9{% mark excerpt -%}
 10
 11Lady Malvern was a hearty, happy, healthy, overpowering sort of dashed female,
 12not so very tall but making up for it by measuring about six feet from the
 13O.P. to the Prompt Side.
 14
 15{%- endmark %}
 16
 17She fitted into my biggest arm-chair as if it had
 18been built round her by someone who knew they were wearing arm-chairs tight
 19about the hips that season. She had bright, bulging eyes and a lot of yellow
 20hair, and when she spoke she showed about fifty-seven front teeth. She was one
 21of those women who kind of numb a fellow's faculties. She made me feel as if I
 22were ten years old and had been brought into the drawing-room in my Sunday
 23clothes to say how-d'you-do. Altogether by no means the sort of thing a
 24chappie would wish to find in his sitting-room before breakfast.
 25
 26Motty, the son, was about twenty-three, tall and thin and meek-looking. He had
 27the same yellow hair as his mother, but he wore it plastered down and parted
 28in the middle. His eyes bulged, too, but they weren't bright. They were a dull
 29grey with pink rims. His chin gave up the struggle about half-way down, and he
 30didn't appear to have any eyelashes. A mild, furtive, sheepish sort of
 31blighter, in short.
 32
 33"Awfully glad to see you," I said. "So you've popped over, eh? Making a long
 34stay in America?"
 35
 36"About a month. Your aunt gave me your address and told me to be sure and call
 37on you."
 38
 39I was glad to hear this, as it showed that Aunt Agatha was beginning to come
 40round a bit. There had been some unpleasantness a year before, when she had
 41sent me over to New York to disentangle my Cousin Gussie from the clutches of
 42a girl on the music-hall stage. When I tell you that by the time I had
 43finished my operations, Gussie had not only married the girl but had gone on
 44the stage himself, and was doing well, you'll understand that Aunt Agatha was
 45upset to no small extent. I simply hadn't dared go back and face her, and it
 46was a relief to find that time had healed the wound and all that sort of thing
 47enough to make her tell her pals to look me up. What I mean is, much as I
 48liked America, I didn't want to have England barred to me for the rest of my
 49natural; and, believe me, England is a jolly sight too small for anyone to
 50live in with Aunt Agatha, if she's really on the warpath. So I braced on
 51hearing these kind words and smiled genially on the assemblage.
 52
 53"Your aunt said that you would do anything that was in your power to be of
 54assistance to us."
 55
 56"Rather? Oh, rather! Absolutely!"
 57
 58"Thank you so much. I want you to put dear Motty up for a little while."
 59
 60I didn't get this for a moment.
 61
 62"Put him up? For my clubs?"
 63
 64"No, no! Darling Motty is essentially a home bird. Aren't you, Motty darling?"
 65
 66Motty, who was sucking the knob of his stick, uncorked himself.
 67
 68"Yes, mother," he said, and corked himself up again.
 69
 70"I should not like him to belong to clubs. I mean put him up here. Have him to
 71live with you while I am away."
 72
 73These frightful words trickled out of her like honey. The woman simply didn't
 74seem to understand the ghastly nature of her proposal. I gave Motty the swift
 75east-to-west. He was sitting with his mouth nuzzling the stick, blinking at
 76the wall. The thought of having this planted on me for an indefinite period
 77appalled me. Absolutely appalled me, don't you know. I was just starting to
 78say that the shot wasn't on the board at any price, and that the first sign
 79Motty gave of trying to nestle into my little home I would yell for the
 80police, when she went on, rolling placidly over me, as it were.
 81
 82There was something about this woman that sapped a chappie's will-power.
 83
 84"I am leaving New York by the midday train, as I have to pay a visit to
 85Sing-Sing prison. I am extremely interested in prison conditions in America.
 86After that I work my way gradually across to the coast, visiting the points of
 87interest on the journey. You see, Mr. Wooster, I am in America principally on
 88business. No doubt you read my book, India and the Indians? My publishers are
 89anxious for me to write a companion volume on the United States. I shall not
 90be able to spend more than a month in the country, as I have to get back for
 91the season, but a month should be ample. I was less than a month in India, and
 92my dear friend Sir Roger Cremorne wrote his America from Within after a stay
 93of only two weeks. I should love to take dear Motty with me, but the poor boy
 94gets so sick when he travels by train. I shall have to pick him up on my
 95return."
 96
 97From where I sat I could see Jeeves in the dining-room, laying the
 98breakfast-table. I wished I could have had a minute with him alone. I felt
 99certain that he would have been able to think of some way of putting a stop to
100this woman.
101
102"It will be such a relief to know that Motty is safe with you, Mr. Wooster. I
103know what the temptations of a great city are. Hitherto dear Motty has been
104sheltered from them. He has lived quietly with me in the country. I know that
105you will look after him carefully, Mr. Wooster. He will give very little
106trouble." She talked about the poor blighter as if he wasn't there. Not that
107Motty seemed to mind. He had stopped chewing his walking-stick and was sitting
108there with his mouth open. "He is a vegetarian and a teetotaller and is
109devoted to reading. Give him a nice book and he will be quite contented." She
110got up. "Thank you so much, Mr. Wooster! I don't know what I should have done
111without your help. Come, Motty! We have just time to see a few of the sights
112before my train goes. But I shall have to rely on you for most of my
113information about New York, darling. Be sure to keep your eyes open and take
114notes of your impressions! It will be such a help. Good-bye, Mr. Wooster. I
115will send Motty back early in the afternoon."
116
117They went out, and I howled for Jeeves.
118
119"Jeeves! What about it?"
120
121"Sir?"
122
123"What's to be done? You heard it all, didn't you? You were in the dining-room
124most of the time. That pill is coming to stay here."
125
126"Pill, sir?"
127
128"The excrescence."
129
130"I beg your pardon, sir?"
131
132I looked at Jeeves sharply. This sort of thing wasn't like him. It was as if
133he were deliberately trying to give me the pip. Then I understood. The man was
134really upset about that tie. He was trying to get his own back.
135
136"Lord Pershore will be staying here from to-night, Jeeves," I said coldly.
137
138"Very good, sir. Breakfast is ready, sir."
139
140[My Man Jeeves by PG Wodehouse][MMJ]
141
142[MMJ]: http://www.gutenberg.org/cache/epub/8164/pg8164.html