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  2title: A Happy Post
  3description: >
  4    Smile. Laugh.
  5created: !!timestamp '2011-02-01 10:00:00'
  7    - happy
  8    - thoughts
 11{% mark excerpt -%}
 13Lady Malvern was a hearty, happy, healthy, overpowering sort of dashed female,
 14not so very tall but making up for it by measuring about six feet from the
 15O.P. to the Prompt Side.
 17{%- endmark %}
 19She fitted into my biggest arm-chair as if it had
 20been built round her by someone who knew they were wearing arm-chairs tight
 21about the hips that season. She had bright, bulging eyes and a lot of yellow
 22hair, and when she spoke she showed about fifty-seven front teeth. She was one
 23of those women who kind of numb a fellow's faculties. She made me feel as if I
 24were ten years old and had been brought into the drawing-room in my Sunday
 25clothes to say how-d'you-do. Altogether by no means the sort of thing a
 26chappie would wish to find in his sitting-room before breakfast.
 28Motty, the son, was about twenty-three, tall and thin and meek-looking. He had
 29the same yellow hair as his mother, but he wore it plastered down and parted
 30in the middle. His eyes bulged, too, but they weren't bright. They were a dull
 31grey with pink rims. His chin gave up the struggle about half-way down, and he
 32didn't appear to have any eyelashes. A mild, furtive, sheepish sort of
 33blighter, in short.
 35"Awfully glad to see you," I said. "So you've popped over, eh? Making a long
 36stay in America?"
 38"About a month. Your aunt gave me your address and told me to be sure and call
 39on you."
 41I was glad to hear this, as it showed that Aunt Agatha was beginning to come
 42round a bit. There had been some unpleasantness a year before, when she had
 43sent me over to New York to disentangle my Cousin Gussie from the clutches of
 44a girl on the music-hall stage. When I tell you that by the time I had
 45finished my operations, Gussie had not only married the girl but had gone on
 46the stage himself, and was doing well, you'll understand that Aunt Agatha was
 47upset to no small extent. I simply hadn't dared go back and face her, and it
 48was a relief to find that time had healed the wound and all that sort of thing
 49enough to make her tell her pals to look me up. What I mean is, much as I
 50liked America, I didn't want to have England barred to me for the rest of my
 51natural; and, believe me, England is a jolly sight too small for anyone to
 52live in with Aunt Agatha, if she's really on the warpath. So I braced on
 53hearing these kind words and smiled genially on the assemblage.
 55"Your aunt said that you would do anything that was in your power to be of
 56assistance to us."
 58"Rather? Oh, rather! Absolutely!"
 60"Thank you so much. I want you to put dear Motty up for a little while."
 62I didn't get this for a moment.
 64"Put him up? For my clubs?"
 66"No, no! Darling Motty is essentially a home bird. Aren't you, Motty darling?"
 68Motty, who was sucking the knob of his stick, uncorked himself.
 70"Yes, mother," he said, and corked himself up again.
 72"I should not like him to belong to clubs. I mean put him up here. Have him to
 73live with you while I am away."
 75These frightful words trickled out of her like honey. The woman simply didn't
 76seem to understand the ghastly nature of her proposal. I gave Motty the swift
 77east-to-west. He was sitting with his mouth nuzzling the stick, blinking at
 78the wall. The thought of having this planted on me for an indefinite period
 79appalled me. Absolutely appalled me, don't you know. I was just starting to
 80say that the shot wasn't on the board at any price, and that the first sign
 81Motty gave of trying to nestle into my little home I would yell for the
 82police, when she went on, rolling placidly over me, as it were.
 84There was something about this woman that sapped a chappie's will-power.
 86"I am leaving New York by the midday train, as I have to pay a visit to
 87Sing-Sing prison. I am extremely interested in prison conditions in America.
 88After that I work my way gradually across to the coast, visiting the points of
 89interest on the journey. You see, Mr. Wooster, I am in America principally on
 90business. No doubt you read my book, India and the Indians? My publishers are
 91anxious for me to write a companion volume on the United States. I shall not
 92be able to spend more than a month in the country, as I have to get back for
 93the season, but a month should be ample. I was less than a month in India, and
 94my dear friend Sir Roger Cremorne wrote his America from Within after a stay
 95of only two weeks. I should love to take dear Motty with me, but the poor boy
 96gets so sick when he travels by train. I shall have to pick him up on my
 99From where I sat I could see Jeeves in the dining-room, laying the
100breakfast-table. I wished I could have had a minute with him alone. I felt
101certain that he would have been able to think of some way of putting a stop to
102this woman.
104"It will be such a relief to know that Motty is safe with you, Mr. Wooster. I
105know what the temptations of a great city are. Hitherto dear Motty has been
106sheltered from them. He has lived quietly with me in the country. I know that
107you will look after him carefully, Mr. Wooster. He will give very little
108trouble." She talked about the poor blighter as if he wasn't there. Not that
109Motty seemed to mind. He had stopped chewing his walking-stick and was sitting
110there with his mouth open. "He is a vegetarian and a teetotaller and is
111devoted to reading. Give him a nice book and he will be quite contented." She
112got up. "Thank you so much, Mr. Wooster! I don't know what I should have done
113without your help. Come, Motty! We have just time to see a few of the sights
114before my train goes. But I shall have to rely on you for most of my
115information about New York, darling. Be sure to keep your eyes open and take
116notes of your impressions! It will be such a help. Good-bye, Mr. Wooster. I
117will send Motty back early in the afternoon."
119They went out, and I howled for Jeeves.
121"Jeeves! What about it?"
125"What's to be done? You heard it all, didn't you? You were in the dining-room
126most of the time. That pill is coming to stay here."
128"Pill, sir?"
130"The excrescence."
132"I beg your pardon, sir?"
134I looked at Jeeves sharply. This sort of thing wasn't like him. It was as if
135he were deliberately trying to give me the pip. Then I understood. The man was
136really upset about that tie. He was trying to get his own back.
138"Lord Pershore will be staying here from to-night, Jeeves," I said coldly.
140"Very good, sir. Breakfast is ready, sir."
142[My Man Jeeves by PG Wodehouse][MMJ]